This world

I feel like theres no place in this world for someone who is genuinely good with honest faults. This world is just too competitive, too harsh for someone of that nature. And I'm not saying that I am said person, just that its the kind of person I am trying to be. However, I feel like I'm halfway there and the view on this world is just increasingly bleak.
It may just be the mood that I'm in right now, but I just needed to get this off my chest.

Ever thought?

That maybe you weren't cut out for this? That maybe this isn't what you were meant to do? That maybe you could be better at something else?

Yea I think that. Then I laugh and say I can do whatever I want to.

Massage

So I went and got an actual massage by an actual masseuse yesterday and it was amazing. Although I feel like the spa should have had a sign saying: Side affects of massage may include sleepiness, drooling, lack of will to move, and extreme comfort.

On the other hand, final exams are coming up and I need to do relatively well on all of them to have a moderately/slightly/oknotreally respectable GPA.

I've come to accept

That my level of maturity is not something of my choosing. And by maturity, I don't mean the ability to be calm or collected. I am talking about realizing that my actions now affect my future. Yes of course I realize it, I understand it. However its like I see it but my brain just refuse to process it and produce useful actions out of it. If you take a look at the time, it is about 3:30 in the morning and I am still procrastinating on my homework. However, even though it sounds like I'm not doing a good job, it is a great improvement from the days not so long ago where I didn't even bother looking at my homework. It is excruciating for me to watch, like a loading bar that moves way too slowly, however I must endure so I can finally be who I want to be and do what I want to do.

Back

Up on my feet

shot down...

once again

Maturity

So I have discovered that my maturity level does not depend on my conscious self. Instead it proceeds at a rate known only to itself. There must be some internal key to rapid development of my maturity but as I have yet to discover it, I must be content with my incompetence and try my best to work around the things I can not achieve yet.

Due to a water main break

My apartment does not have running water.
There are pieces of POO floating in the toilet from one of my roommates who did not notice he couldn't flush.

On another note, I need to POOP!

Flickering fluorescent fixtures

They bother me

:)

Happier than I have been in a long time.

Comfort

So have you realized that whenever you tell someone something really crappy that happened to you, the other person will try to tell you something even worse that happened to them in attempt to cheer you up. Now, I for one find that very very ineffective. Why in the world would I feel better when something bad happened to a friend? This shows how much people are self-centered. I admit I have done this myself, however I've realized how selfish it is and have made an effort to stop it.

Maybe

Maybe I should post on this thing more often.

These Halls

These halls,
By definition filled with warmth and love.
A place of gathering, learning and sharing.
Surrounded by laughter and joy.

Lately as I travel through these halls,
A cold chill lingers in the air,
Clinging to the skin.
Only a hint of warmth can be felt,
Every once in a while,
A rare occurance.

Anger and frustration storm through these halls,
Everything within shaken and distraught.
Mentally, emotionally, physically damaged.

Crawling, on broken knees, in these halls
I search for the small evidence of care,
Desperately trying to protect them from
The swirling masses seeking to envelop and destroy.
All the while, struggling from succumbing
To the forces myself.

These seeds, so fragile in these halls.
Most often shatter and fade away.
Only one left.
A fight for its life,
Must succeed, must defend, must survive.

New Start

Freshly moved in to an apartment with a new semester ahead of me. For me, this is a chance to prove that I can finally motivate myself to focus and prioritize correctly. A chance to be all that I can be. I'm excited for this semester to start.

One more thing. I am rooming with a black dude who likes to watch burn notice and royal pains. I have a feeling that things will get very interesting :)

space bar

Does it ever bother you that you only hit the space bar with one thumb?

hidden

He laughs,
He jokes,
He plays,
And he sings.
But inside he cries.

He dances,
He walks,
He runs,
And he jumps.
But inside he's still.

He supports,
He loves,
He cares,
And he understands.
But inside hes lonely.

Dissapointed

In what? In myself.
I find it so hard to motivate myself to do work. I am often forgetful and just end up shrugging off the responsibility. I fail to take care of essential things around the house now that I basically live alone.
I need to find someway to motivate myself. To mature and understand the value of hard work. I know where I want to go with my future and what I want to do. However, as of right now, the way I am, my goals are just the dreams of a foolish child. I realize this yet whenever I sit down and try to work, all of my motivation and concentration just evaporate.

Values

I feel like as generations progress, that the meaning of humility and modesty are lost more and more.

Perfection

Sadly our world is not perfect.
The old are not necessarily wise,
The young are not always friendly.
People are not understanding,
And are reluctant to listen.

Sadly our world is not perfect.
Nations war for reasons naught,
While men bleed and families break.
Many struggle for bread and water,
While others waste from a short supply.

Sadly our world is not perfect.
Religions clash and ideals battle,
Mosques burn and churches crumble.
Hatred and prejudice seed the land,
Tears and pain water the plant.

Sadly our world is not perfect.
The seeds we sow and the plants we nurture,
Growing fast and strong.
A chain, a cable,
A vicious cycle.

Sadly our world is not perfect.
Charities collect and help,
Donations of food, water, and clothes.
A dent it makes,
In a world or problems.

Sadly our world is not perfect.
We are provided with but one solution,
Internal reflection and change for better.
To communicate and accept,
listen and learn.

Sadly our world is not perfect.
Change is of choice,
And personal opinion.
If we think we are perfect,
Sadly, our world is not.

New idea

So, for those of you who don't know I tend to write poetry when inspired to or just when I feel like it. Here is a new idea that I have spinning around and is just getting started. Let me know what you guys think.

A container, a vessel.
Filled with traits and feelings.
Contents to be shared and understood.

Forever filtering, adjusting.
Trying to improve.

Down a stream,
This container floats.
Meeting others,
Sharing and receiving

Forever filtering, adjusting.
Trying to improve.

Others come and go.
Obstacles are plenty.
Waiting,
For one who will stay and accept.

Forever filtering, adjusting.
Trying to improve.



Thats all I have for now. Let me know.

Sigh

Patience and tolerance wearing thin. But still i try my best.

Summer

It has taken on its inevitable monotonous drone >.< Things need to be more exciting!!

The tides of change

They come so quickly.

RAWR!

Yay summer! haven't updated for a while but nothing has really happened. I have a feeling that summer's going to be pretty good this year. Made some new friends, set up plans, and have lots to do so I'm not gonna be bored all the time.

Life

Why does it always turn around and knee you in the balls?

Childhood

Is there a rule saying we can't have bubble baths when we get older?? Whatever happened to them?

Mirth

You make me bubble over with it.

never

Why is it that we as humans can never be happy with our lives?

A different perspective

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSrXMFcQ4dY

directors notes
http://wongfuproductions.com/2010/05/new-short-released-when-five-fell-wes/

Equality

is a Bitch.

Well not really, because equality simply does not exist outside of math, chemistry, and physics. People will hate me for saying this but I believe it, I think feminist are stupid. Not just feminists, anyone who argues for equality because it is simply unreal and impossible to obtain. All we can do is be appreciated for who we are, life is as simple as that.

Sigh

So much to do and I can never seem to find the motivation to do it. But as of now I am trying to get a summer research position at UMCP and NIST so that will be interesting. I am happy to be celebrating Mr. Zhang's birthday (for the third time) tonight and then cramming my butt off for finals.
Oh yea, work. Work consisted of a five minute lecture on how to put theatre lights on the rails that fly up above the stage (called electrics) and how to put them away. Then I proceeded to occupy 3 hours of my time with these two tasks. I wasn't too bad, despite being stabbed by wires, being cautioned about having to buy my manager beer, and trying not to break anything, it was rather amusing to just do something and chat with my co-workers. Overall, I'm looking forward to learning more about the whole system and how things work.

Funsies

So. I start my new job at CSPAC tomorrow and I have absolutely no idea what to expect. So probably lots to say tomorrow

wow

Time flies.
Honestly, it felt like just a week ago I was entering college for my first semester and now here I am ending it. I really am just feeling a blur of emotions about this. First would be disappointment in that I am not as far along as my friends are and thus I feel much less knowledgeable. Also disappointment in myself for not working as hard as I should have. I do feel excited for taking classes this summer and catching up to my fellow students and just being able to plan out and see where all my education is leading is very satisfying. Stressed due to upcoming exams and project due dates. Lastly, I feel accomplished because I feel that since coming to campus I have matured a great deal.

lies

When I was little, my mom would always tell me that I could lie to other people but I could never lie to myself. I always took that to be a lecture about facing my conscience. However what I did not realize that it is possible to lie to yourself. Well, incompletely that is.

There was just this one thing i was involved in, and every time it occurred i would have this terribly dissatisfying feeling afterwards. It puzzled me to no limits, I could not understand why I was feeling the way I felt. Then I realized that I felt one way and told myself to feel differently. So far I have no solution to this problem and have concluded that I just have to endure for now.

On a lighter note, I've noticed that I only use my left thumb to press the space button and my right thumb kinda gets annoyed.

Hrmm

Well here I am with a brand spanking new blog and I am left with the simple question of what to write about. So the time being I'm just going to spew out some of the random things that happen to pop into my head.

Have you ever noticed that your eyes are not capable of smooth motion? They cannot pan left or right as a video camera can. They jump from one point of focus to another. I noticed this one day walking from classes could not get rid of the terribly bothersome feeling behind my eyeballs for the longest time.

Well... this is new

Hello there.
I decided to start this blog on a whim. I have no idea where this will end up so enjoy!